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The weekday emigrants
Significant numbers of people now work abroad, away from their families, often for lifestyle reasons

Sat, Feb 22, 2014, 00:00 Irish Times
Ciara Kenny

Cheaper airfares have allowed for an increase in cross-border commuting from one European country to another in recent years, but it was the advent of the recession in 2008 which led to the most significant rise of this kind of migration out of Ireland, as families in particular have opted for one member to commute long-distance to work abroad rather than uprooting the whole family and emigrating together.
A surprising result of University College Cork’s extensive study last year on the impact of emigration on Irish society revealed that households in commuter-belt areas, where homeowners are more likely to be in negative equity and have young children, had low levels of emigration. Just 11 per cent had seen a family member emigrate since 2006, compared with a national average of 17 per cent.
The report’s authors concluded that it was in these areas that “commuter migrants” were most likely to be found, that is, where one member of the household is working outside the country and travelling back and forth regularly.

If they could, these people might have upped sticks and emigrated as a family unit to London or Paris or Australia, but because they are saddled with burdensome mortgages, family emigration might not be an option,” explains David Ralph of UCC’s Institute for Social Science in the 21st Century. He is currently carrying out a separate research study to explore the phenomenon of “Euro-commuting” in further detail.
In 27 of the 30 couples Ralph has interviewed so far, the woman remains here in Ireland, usually with children, while the man travels to work in another EU country, usually in one of the major cities such as London, Paris, Brussels or Amsterdam. All are relatively well-paid professionals, working in sectors such as finance, academia, media, engineering, law and medicine.
“Few, if any commuters work in the social and construction sectors,” Ralph explains. “Many of these positions simply do not pay enough to cover the costs of a commuter arrangement, with two domestic residences, weekly or bi-weekly air travel, and so on.”

Commuters can be roughly divided into three groups depending on their motivations, Ralph believes. The smallest cohort are those who see it as a lifestyle choice. “They enjoy toing and froing between Ireland and another culture, meeting new people, learning new job skills. Their decision is not economically driven,” he says. “They enjoy the independence from their partner.”
Another small group choose to commute in an effort to advance their careers. “They may have hit a glass ceiling in the workplace in Ireland, perhaps related to the recession where promotional opportunities have been reduced. They see it as a temporary arrangement, a way of climbing up the ladder, gaining experience and a certain level of seniority which will allow them to return to Ireland and secure a better post here in the future.”

But by far the largest group are the financially-motivated “livelihood commuters”, who have become either unemployed or underemployed since the recession hit. They don’t consider their decision to be voluntary, but are compelled to seek a better remunerated position abroad so they can keep up their mortgage repayments and other financial commitments such as health insurance and education for their children.
One striking feature Ralph found was shared by this group was the fear of falling out of the Irish middle class, a status they had become accustomed to before the recession.
“They were all white-collar professionals, living in relatively affluent suburbs mainly around the cities,” Ralph explains. “Maintaining a middle-class lifestyle was important to them. They weren’t prepared to downgrade to a less-prestigious neighbourhood or cancel their overseas holiday. Taking work overseas allowed them to maintain the lifestyle they had become accustomed to pre-crisis.”
Whatever their motivations for leaving, most commuters Ralph interviewed cited similar benefits to the arrangement, such as career advancement, an expanded network of professional contacts, new friends and greaterindependence.
The same drawbacks were also shared by many in the group – loneliness by both partners, miscommunication, fatigue from travel, and a sense of missing out on family life.
“The person living abroad tried to keep routines on weeknights, going to the gym or doing laundry, but some spoke about loneliness and the dangers of drinking too much when alone in a foreign city without family or friends,” Ralph says. Fear of infidelity was also a concern.
Some children had developed behavioural difficulties while the parent was absent, while others became clingy when they were home. It often took young children a few hours, or sometimes days, to adjust to having them around.
“Generally, the separation caused huge family strife. The partner left behind often felt burdened by the responsibility of looking after the household and children alone. The partner away spoke about how upsetting it was to be separated from their children during the week, where they had to watch them grow up over Skype. Some tried to hep out with homework over Skype or read bedtime stories, but they said it wasn’t the same as being there.”
But despite the challenges, many of the men Ralph interviewed said they would prefer to be living away from their families and be able to support them financially rather than remaining unemployed or underemployed in Ireland. They are proud of the initiative they have taken to support their partner and children, safeguarding their class identity and their position as the primary breadwinner for the family.
The majority are actively seeking opportunities to return to Ireland, but this is conditional on securing a similarly paid job here that would make it financially feasible.
“Most hope that the Irish economy will recover its former buoyancy, and they will be able to find suitable job positions back home as soon as possible,” Ralph says. “Yet hope is one thing, reality another. Most have no faith in this actually happening anytime soon; they are preparing to put up with commuting overseas for the long-haul.”

Working abroad: How to live a commuting life
When a couple decides one partner is to be absent for significant periods of time for work, the most important thing is that both are accepting of the situation, psychotherapist and chair of the Family Therapy Association of Ireland Trish Murphy advises. “They must both believe that the arrangement is for the greater good of their relationship, or their family. If one person is unsure, it won’t work.”

They should make a plan for how they are are going to maintain their relationship and their family life while one of them is away. “Relationships require attention and time, especially at a distance. Can you schedule a nightly phone or Skype chat? Can you put a circle around you both as a couple as opposed to the whole family, where you have time to talk just the two of you? This is very important for when the person is home from abroad that you have time alone.”

“Intimacy is very important – don’t feel like you have to protect the other person from your sadness. It is something we all do when someone is living away, because we don’t want to worry them. But couples need to agree to be open. This will keep them connected even when things aren’t going smoothly.”
Fear of infidelity is very common, she says. “The possibility of affairs is often the unmentionable issue, but it needs to be discussed, even if you are afraid. Staying quiet leads to suspicion, anxiety and ultimately distrust, which is so destructive, and often totally unfounded.”

Sometimes the person left at home can feel like a martyr, that they are doing all the hard work with the children while the other persion is away living the high life, Murphy says. “It is easy to be resentful, and that resentment can boil over. Martyrdom will will bring them a lot of attention and sympathy but it is very destructive for a relationship. For children too, having a parent who is a martyr is very difficult.”
Murphy advises couples to set aside time every few months to review. “We get used to every situation, as human beings, but that does not mean you should necessarily keep doing it. Review the situation properly after six months. Are you both happy? Do you both still think it is the right thing to do? Are there other options? Plenty of couples live apart like this for many years and it works well for them, but it is definitely difficult and won’t be the right thing for every relationship.”

Irish American Child Legacy needs State Help to Unravel, says Valerie O’Brien
Published in The Sunday Times, 17th Nov 2013 p 17.

http://www.thesundaytimes.co.uk/sto/news/ireland/article1341254.ece

History and story-telling is something that we, as Irish people,think we are good at but many realise now there are some stories that get told more readily than others. In the wake of the recent Ryan, Murphy and McAleese reports, many previously untold stories have come forth.

Stephen Frear’s film“Philomena” shines a light on another aspect of Irish life in need of urgent attention. It has brought the story of the clandestine adoption of Irish children by US families to the fore. These stories have been both ‘known’ and ‘unknown’ here in Ireland. Mike Milotte’s book ‘Banished Babies’ suggests that at least 2,400 children were adopted in the period from early 1940’s to early 1970’s. These children are now adults predominantly in their 50’s and 60’s and their mothers are elderly. We know that many have been searching for their Irish families and likewise many Irish families have been searching for their lost children.

The stories of the adoptions are invariably linked with unplanned pregnancies and the very limited options open to young womenin Ireland at the time. Unplanned pregnancy can still be a major shock but, historically, it was greeted as a great trauma with very limited and stark options open to the single woman who found herself pregnant. If marriage was not a possibility or wanted, the ‘situation’ necessitated a solution that would deal with the sin, shame and secrecy associated with her ‘condition’. The fathers were kept largely invisible by a society who saw a role for a father only if marriage was an option.

It was as a result of these circumstances that banishment to the ‘Mother and Baby Homes’, run by different religious orders came into being. The most well-known ‘Homes’ were located in places such as Bessborough in Cork, Castlepollard in Westmeath, Stamullen in Meath, St Patricks in Dublin and “Sean Ross” abbey in Roscreawhich features in Philomena Lee’s true story.

For some women, these homes may have offered a lifeline but for others, as depicted in the film, experiences were characterised by trauma, humiliation, fear and slavery. The pain of the birth of their children was seen as God’s punishment for their sin and was rarely acknowledged by the family who put them into these institutions or the communities in which they had lived and become pregnant. The method of separation of young mothers from their children – so movingly portrayed in this film – remains a shocking reminder of how awful the reality was and why it remains a life-long pain that many mothers and children endure in isolation.

There were, no doubt, some good outcomes for children placed with families in the USA,but the manner in which these adoptions occurred raise many questions. There are still many unknowns including the actual number of children sent and the age range of the children. We do know that many mothers minded their children into toddlerhood and beyond, but there is evidence that many American adoptive families were not told that the child being given to them had been cared for in this way by its mother. The story of a poor orphan fitted more easily with a problem that needed to ‘go away.’ Also, the extent to which mothers were told that their children were being sent to USA is far from clear and the issue of how consents were given and understood are a central concern. This aspect has a resonance with recent stories about Irish adoption from countries such as Vietnam and Mexico. The fact that Ireland finally joined the Hague Convention in 2010 is a welcome step forward but does not necessarily eliminate the darker suspicions about inter-country adoption. It is for this reason that we, as a society, have to link our past history with present practices and in the process be open to the lessons that need to be learned.

The time has surely come to open up the Irish American adoption stories. Knowing who you are is a basic human right. It is essential that all legal impediments are removed and the adopted person’s difficult task of searching for their origins is facilitated actively. The people involved do not have time on their side and both the State and religious organisations have a part to play in resolving the very real difficulties faced in theadoption search.

So, where do we start? We know that the religious orders created a record for each Irish child sent abroad. The children travelled on Irish passportsin their original birth names issued by the relevant Irish authorities. The children were subsequently adopted in the USA following their arrival. Their adopted families usually had access to documentation containing the original names.

The adopted people who are fortunate enough to have access to the documentation giving their original name are generally able to access information and resources both in Ireland and in the USA. The many adoptees who do not know their original name have experienced particular challenges in dealing with institutions, a position compounded if they were adopted in one of the USA states which continues to seal adoptionrecords. There is also a cohort of people whose real names were misrepresented on official documents and unravelling the truth of their cases is particularly hard.

Likewise, the obstacles facing mothers like Philomena Lee and their families who wish to search for siblings, cousins and nieces or nephewsare also immense. Who can they turn to when denied access to information, what are they entitled to ask for and who in this state’s institutionsholds the responsibility to help with search and reunion?

There are many Philomena Lees and adopted children and, to do the right thing as a society, we need to prioritise and address this. There are complexities involved, but search and reunion is a topic that needs urgent and decisive action and resolution. A number of government departments and religious organisations are involved and an urgent co-ordinated approach, involving all interested parties, is required. As the year of the ‘gathering’ draws to an end, we need to ensure that all the people involved in the Irish American adoptions are assisted in getting to the point of their own ‘Gathering.’ We should thank story writer Martin Sixsmith, who first investigated Philomena’s story and wrote the book that the film is based upon; actress Judi Dench, who played Philomena; and Frears for reminding us of what needs to be done.

Note at end: Valerie OBrien is a lecturer in the School of Applied Social Science in University College Dublin. She has been involved in researching intercountry adoption since 2010, along with Joyce Maguire Pavao, Boston.

We are delighted to announce details of a book entitled Adolescents and Substance Use, which has been co-written by Ann Campbell, Vice-Chair FTAI. This book will be launched on the 9th December 2013.
The unique link to the book on the publisher’s website is: www.radcliffehealth.com/asu

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