Want sex and intimacy? You need courage and honesty

Broadside: Loss of sexual desire after the early stages can prove difficult to fix

Mon, Sep 19, 2016, , Irish Times

Trish Murphy

Perhaps sex is another area of our lives that we have to excel in and we are too exhausted or too fearful of recrimination to engage with it.

New reports from the US, the Archives of Sexual Behaviour, suggest that those born in the 1980s and 1990s are having less sex than those born in the 1960s. The fact that sex is happening less than ever, even while online dating apps such as Tinder are so widespread, is a strange dichotomy.

Some theories suggest that stress, lack of time and technology are all having an impact on our intimate lives. The growing usage of porn is influencing our expectations of sex and it is arguable that performance has become the focus rather than pleasure or fun. Perhaps sex is another area of our lives that we have to excel in and we are too exhausted or too fearful of recrimination to engage with it.

Another aspect is that much satisfaction is achieved via a screen and the trouble and trauma that might be involved in engaging another human can result in procrastination or avoidance. One half of a couple can go to bed and the other go online. They can argue that they are not causing their partner any bother, but the impact can be similar to an affair: betrayal, questioning of attractiveness and some level of deceit. Intimacy requires that we are honest with each other, face up to the issues underlying our relationships and that we like the other person enough to let them really know what is going on.

Many couples do not have sex, and loss of desire following the early initial sensual phases of a relationship can prove difficult to fix. They often hope that romance will return by itself at some future time, but this rarely happens as the couple becomes used to a pattern of a relationship with little or no intimacy. Mismatched desire is also a common feature and couples struggle with the consequences. One person may spend their time looking for opportunities for intimacy while the other tries to predict when this might be and avoids it. The result is often suffering, rejection and frustration. Individuals too can avoid engaging with sex as performance anxiety and overexposure in social media can be extremely off-putting.

The aim of sexual intimacy is not mutual orgasm (though this might, of course, be desirable) but to experience pleasure, connectedness and spontaneity. In established couples, this will require deliberateness and effort, and many couples will find it awkward and somewhat excruciating. We all know how difficult it is to change a habit such as taking up exercise or giving up chocolate; it takes motivation and self-discipline, but in the end we expect that we will be better off because of this effort. Sexual intimacy might need to follow the same track in that it will need to be scheduled; motivation will be needed to overcome the impasses and focus kept on the overall aim of a pattern of sensual connection.

Many failures If there is a porn issue, there may be many attempts at giving up; and many failures. The partner cannot be kept in the dark about this as secrecy and deceit are what keeps the couple separate and suffering. For both the porn user and the partner, this is a very difficult time as admitting to failure and feeling betrayed again and again are huge difficulties to overcome. Yet sticking by that person through the rough times might be the cornerstone of a relationship. If we want sex and intimacy for the long run, we need to have the courage to address what is happening now and not wait for some time when circumstances will be better.

All relationships involve taking a risk and being somewhat vulnerable, but this grows confidence and courage and so whatever our age or circumstances are, it might be a great developmental step to risk a relationship. Of course, the risk includes rejection and separation and yet if we can accept this as part of the process, we can get to share our lives with someone for whatever time it lasts. As Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book Committed: “To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.”

Trish Murphy’s new book, #Love – 21st Century Relationships (Mercier Press, €14.99), is out now

 

Not all students will get desired results but there are ways to lessen the feelings of failure

Anne McCormack  Irish Times – Tuesday 11^th August 2015

Planning ahead and thinking about ways to cope with possible disappointment may be useful for results day.

Disappointment is an inevitable part of life. Everyone feels it at some point and it can be a difficult feeling for any person to bear. But disappointment has value, as all emotions do. Disappointment is of great value, as it bears witness to hope.

Many young people have high hopes on Leaving Cert results day. These hopes often relate to receiving enough points to access the third-level course of their choice. And some might feel disappointment.

While the prospect of planning for the possibility of disappointment may seem pessimistic, it is worth giving the possibility some thought.

It gives you the chance to become prepared psychologically, in case disappointment on Leaving Cert results day enters the frame.

Here are some ways to think about and deal with disappointment. By taking the time to reflect on these ideas, young people will be more prepared to handle this difficult emotion, and the disappointment will then be less likely to overwhelm.

Tuning in to thoughts as well as feelings

Disappointment can be intense. It can seem as if the event, the Leaving Cert results, is directly causing this unwanted feeling: I got this result, therefore I feel disappointment. It is important to know that it is the thoughts about the event, rather than just the event itself, that causes the feeling to arise. Therefore, I got this result and am now thinking this, is the cause of the feeling. By tuning into and by challenging these thoughts, young people can gain strength and influence over their emotional self and feel better.

Plan who to talk to for support

It can be useful for young people to think ahead and make a plan about who they will talk to if they are feeling disappointed.

If a young person’s peer group are all receiving results on the same day, it could be that a trusted friend may be largely unavailable to offer emotional support that particular day, if required. Someone at home, perhaps a parent, could be in a better position to really listen to how the young person is feeling.

For a parent to offer this support is useful. Then, by listening to the expression of disappointment, parents can check in with the young person about what they are thinking about. This provides an opportunity to steer their thinking away from negative thoughts which could damage their self-esteem.

 

Take a wider, longer-term view

There is always more than one way to get from A to B but on results day, it is hard to remember this as many young people have route A, their preferred first choice, very much in mind. No matter what career a young person has set their heart on, there is always the possibility of pursuing that goal, no matter what the exam results are.

It is important for parents to remind young people of this, ahead of results day as well as on the day itself, if they are feeling disappointed. It is also good to remind young people not to put pressure on themselves to figure out an alternative route straight away.

Taking a few days to process the emotions they are feeling is enough for the young person to deal with.

 

Celebrate effort more than results

There is a lot of emphasis placed on the points system and the number of points received. This can create the impression that results matter more than effort, but that is not necessarily the case.

In many areas of life, whether it is within relationships, within a workplace context or pursuing a life goal, effort matters a very great deal indeed.

Young people on results day may believe that results matter more than effort. But holding this belief does not make it a fact. It is vital for young people to be reminded of the validity and importance of effort. It is vital also that they be encouraged to celebrate effort, rather than just results.

Celebrating efforts made throughout the exam period and throughout the school life has much merit. Parents can take a lead by placing focus on and congratulating effort.

 

IQ versus EQ

The Leaving Cert does not take account of many an individual’s worthy qualities. Points are not awarded for kindness, a person’s level of honesty or a person’s social skills and yet these qualities matter a very great deal.

Research from Harvard Business School showed that emotional intelligence was twice as important as intellectual intelligence and technical skill when it came to determining who would be successful in life. In order for a person to become emotionally intelligent, a person must be able to experience empathy.

In order to experience empathy, a person must first be able to tune into and feel their own emotions deeply. There is an opportunity with disappointment to do just this; to feel deeply, to bear difficult emotion. And that can be a significant aspect of success.

Results day is significant, but it does not determine how the future will be. Young people may need to be reminded of that.

Anne Mc Cormack is a family therapist accredited to FTAI & ICP.

Not all students will get desired results but there are ways to lessen the feelings of failure

Anne McCormack Irish Times – Tuesday 11th August 2015

Planning ahead and thinking about ways to cope with possible disappointment may be useful for results day.

Disappointment is an inevitable part of life. Everyone feels it at some point and it can be a difficult feeling for any person to bear. But disappointment has value, as all emotions do. Disappointment is of great value, as it bears witness to hope.

Many young people have high hopes on Leaving Cert results day. These hopes often relate to receiving enough points to access the third-level course of their choice. And some might feel disappointment.

While the prospect of planning for the possibility of disappointment may seem pessimistic, it is worth giving the possibility some thought.

It gives you the chance to become prepared psychologically, in case disappointment on Leaving Cert results day enters the frame.

Here are some ways to think about and deal with disappointment. By taking the time to reflect on these ideas, young people will be more prepared to handle this difficult emotion, and the disappointment will then be less likely to overwhelm.
Tuning in to thoughts as well as feelings

Disappointment can be intense. It can seem as if the event, the Leaving Cert results, is directly causing this unwanted feeling: I got this result, therefore I feel disappointment. It is important to know that it is the thoughts about the event, rather than just the event itself, that causes the feeling to arise. Therefore, I got this result and am now thinking this, is the cause of the feeling. By tuning into and by challenging these thoughts, young people can gain strength and influence over their emotional self and feel better.
Plan who to talk to for support

It can be useful for young people to think ahead and make a plan about who they will talk to if they are feeling disappointed.

If a young person’s peer group are all receiving results on the same day, it could be that a trusted friend may be largely unavailable to offer emotional support that particular day, if required. Someone at home, perhaps a parent, could be in a better position to really listen to how the young person is feeling.

For a parent to offer this support is useful. Then, by listening to the expression of disappointment, parents can check in with the young person about what they are thinking about. This provides an opportunity to steer their thinking away from negative thoughts which could damage their self-esteem.

Take a wider, longer-term view

There is always more than one way to get from A to B but on results day, it is hard to remember this as many young people have route A, their preferred first choice, very much in mind. No matter what career a young person has set their heart on, there is always the possibility of pursuing that goal, no matter what the exam results are.

It is important for parents to remind young people of this, ahead of results day as well as on the day itself, if they are feeling disappointed. It is also good to remind young people not to put pressure on themselves to figure out an alternative route straight away.

Taking a few days to process the emotions they are feeling is enough for the young person to deal with.

Celebrate effort more than results

There is a lot of emphasis placed on the points system and the number of points received. This can create the impression that results matter more than effort, but that is not necessarily the case.

In many areas of life, whether it is within relationships, within a workplace context or pursuing a life goal, effort matters a very great deal indeed.

Young people on results day may believe that results matter more than effort. But holding this belief does not make it a fact. It is vital for young people to be reminded of the validity and importance of effort. It is vital also that they be encouraged to celebrate effort, rather than just results.

Celebrating efforts made throughout the exam period and throughout the school life has much merit. Parents can take a lead by placing focus on and congratulating effort.

IQ versus EQ

The Leaving Cert does not take account of many an individual’s worthy qualities. Points are not awarded for kindness, a person’s level of honesty or a person’s social skills and yet these qualities matter a very great deal.

Research from Harvard Business School showed that emotional intelligence was twice as important as intellectual intelligence and technical skill when it came to determining who would be successful in life. In order for a person to become emotionally intelligent, a person must be able to experience empathy.

In order to experience empathy, a person must first be able to tune into and feel their own emotions deeply. There is an opportunity with disappointment to do just this; to feel deeply, to bear difficult emotion. And that can be a significant aspect of success.

Results day is significant, but it does not determine how the future will be. Young people may need to be reminded of that.
Anne Mc Cormack is a family therapist accredited to FTAI & ICP.

Not all students will get desired results but there are ways to lessen the feelings of failure

Anne McCormack  Irish Times – Tuesday 11^th August 2015

Planning ahead and thinking about ways to cope with possible disappointment may be useful for results day.

Disappointment is an inevitable part of life. Everyone feels it at some point and it can be a difficult feeling for any person to bear. But disappointment has value, as all emotions do. Disappointment is of great value, as it bears witness to hope.

Many young people have high hopes on Leaving Cert results day. These hopes often relate to receiving enough points to access the third-level course of their choice. And some might feel disappointment.

While the prospect of planning for the possibility of disappointment may seem pessimistic, it is worth giving the possibility some thought.

It gives you the chance to become prepared psychologically, in case disappointment on Leaving Cert results day enters the frame.

Here are some ways to think about and deal with disappointment. By taking the time to reflect on these ideas, young people will be more prepared to handle this difficult emotion, and the disappointment will then be less likely to overwhelm.

Tuning in to thoughts as well as feelings

Disappointment can be intense. It can seem as if the event, the Leaving Cert results, is directly causing this unwanted feeling: I got this result, therefore I feel disappointment. It is important to know that it is the thoughts about the event, rather than just the event itself, that causes the feeling to arise. Therefore, I got this result and am now thinking this, is the cause of the feeling. By tuning into and by challenging these thoughts, young people can gain strength and influence over their emotional self and feel better.

Plan who to talk to for support

It can be useful for young people to think ahead and make a plan about who they will talk to if they are feeling disappointed.

If a young person’s peer group are all receiving results on the same day, it could be that a trusted friend may be largely unavailable to offer emotional support that particular day, if required. Someone at home, perhaps a parent, could be in a better position to really listen to how the young person is feeling.

For a parent to offer this support is useful. Then, by listening to the expression of disappointment, parents can check in with the young person about what they are thinking about. This provides an opportunity to steer their thinking away from negative thoughts which could damage their self-esteem.

 

Take a wider, longer-term view

There is always more than one way to get from A to B but on results day, it is hard to remember this as many young people have route A, their preferred first choice, very much in mind. No matter what career a young person has set their heart on, there is always the possibility of pursuing that goal, no matter what the exam results are.

It is important for parents to remind young people of this, ahead of results day as well as on the day itself, if they are feeling disappointed. It is also good to remind young people not to put pressure on themselves to figure out an alternative route straight away.

Taking a few days to process the emotions they are feeling is enough for the young person to deal with.

 

Celebrate effort more than results

There is a lot of emphasis placed on the points system and the number of points received. This can create the impression that results matter more than effort, but that is not necessarily the case.

In many areas of life, whether it is within relationships, within a workplace context or pursuing a life goal, effort matters a very great deal indeed.

Young people on results day may believe that results matter more than effort. But holding this belief does not make it a fact. It is vital for young people to be reminded of the validity and importance of effort. It is vital also that they be encouraged to celebrate effort, rather than just results.

Celebrating efforts made throughout the exam period and throughout the school life has much merit. Parents can take a lead by placing focus on and congratulating effort.

 

IQ versus EQ

The Leaving Cert does not take account of many an individual’s worthy qualities. Points are not awarded for kindness, a person’s level of honesty or a person’s social skills and yet these qualities matter a very great deal.

Research from Harvard Business School showed that emotional intelligence was twice as important as intellectual intelligence and technical skill when it came to determining who would be successful in life. In order for a person to become emotionally intelligent, a person must be able to experience empathy.

In order to experience empathy, a person must first be able to tune into and feel their own emotions deeply. There is an opportunity with disappointment to do just this; to feel deeply, to bear difficult emotion. And that can be a significant aspect of success.

Results day is significant, but it does not determine how the future will be. Young people may need to be reminded of that.

Anne Mc Cormack is a family therapist accredited to FTAI & ICP.

Not all students will get desired results but there are ways to lessen the feelings of failure

Anne McCormack  Irish Times – Tuesday 11^th August 2015

Planning ahead and thinking about ways to cope with possible disappointment may be useful for results day.

Disappointment is an inevitable part of life. Everyone feels it at some point and it can be a difficult feeling for any person to bear. But disappointment has value, as all emotions do. Disappointment is of great value, as it bears witness to hope.

Many young people have high hopes on Leaving Cert results day. These hopes often relate to receiving enough points to access the third-level course of their choice. And some might feel disappointment.

While the prospect of planning for the possibility of disappointment may seem pessimistic, it is worth giving the possibility some thought.

It gives you the chance to become prepared psychologically, in case disappointment on Leaving Cert results day enters the frame.

Here are some ways to think about and deal with disappointment. By taking the time to reflect on these ideas, young people will be more prepared to handle this difficult emotion, and the disappointment will then be less likely to overwhelm.

Tuning in to thoughts as well as feelings

Disappointment can be intense. It can seem as if the event, the Leaving Cert results, is directly causing this unwanted feeling: I got this result, therefore I feel disappointment. It is important to know that it is the thoughts about the event, rather than just the event itself, that causes the feeling to arise. Therefore, I got this result and am now thinking this, is the cause of the feeling. By tuning into and by challenging these thoughts, young people can gain strength and influence over their emotional self and feel better.

Plan who to talk to for support

It can be useful for young people to think ahead and make a plan about who they will talk to if they are feeling disappointed.

If a young person’s peer group are all receiving results on the same day, it could be that a trusted friend may be largely unavailable to offer emotional support that particular day, if required. Someone at home, perhaps a parent, could be in a better position to really listen to how the young person is feeling.

For a parent to offer this support is useful. Then, by listening to the expression of disappointment, parents can check in with the young person about what they are thinking about. This provides an opportunity to steer their thinking away from negative thoughts which could damage their self-esteem.

 

Take a wider, longer-term view

There is always more than one way to get from A to B but on results day, it is hard to remember this as many young people have route A, their preferred first choice, very much in mind. No matter what career a young person has set their heart on, there is always the possibility of pursuing that goal, no matter what the exam results are.

It is important for parents to remind young people of this, ahead of results day as well as on the day itself, if they are feeling disappointed. It is also good to remind young people not to put pressure on themselves to figure out an alternative route straight away.

Taking a few days to process the emotions they are feeling is enough for the young person to deal with.

 

Celebrate effort more than results

There is a lot of emphasis placed on the points system and the number of points received. This can create the impression that results matter more than effort, but that is not necessarily the case.

In many areas of life, whether it is within relationships, within a workplace context or pursuing a life goal, effort matters a very great deal indeed.

Young people on results day may believe that results matter more than effort. But holding this belief does not make it a fact. It is vital for young people to be reminded of the validity and importance of effort. It is vital also that they be encouraged to celebrate effort, rather than just results.

Celebrating efforts made throughout the exam period and throughout the school life has much merit. Parents can take a lead by placing focus on and congratulating effort.

 

IQ versus EQ

The Leaving Cert does not take account of many an individual’s worthy qualities. Points are not awarded for kindness, a person’s level of honesty or a person’s social skills and yet these qualities matter a very great deal.

Research from Harvard Business School showed that emotional intelligence was twice as important as intellectual intelligence and technical skill when it came to determining who would be successful in life. In order for a person to become emotionally intelligent, a person must be able to experience empathy.

In order to experience empathy, a person must first be able to tune into and feel their own emotions deeply. There is an opportunity with disappointment to do just this; to feel deeply, to bear difficult emotion. And that can be a significant aspect of success.

Results day is significant, but it does not determine how the future will be. Young people may need to be reminded of that.

Anne Mc Cormack is a family therapist accredited to FTAI & ICP.

Not all students will get desired results but there are ways to lessen the feelings of failure

Anne McCormack Irish Times – Tuesday 11th August 2015

Planning ahead and thinking about ways to cope with possible disappointment may be useful for results day.

Disappointment is an inevitable part of life. Everyone feels it at some point and it can be a difficult feeling for any person to bear. But disappointment has value, as all emotions do. Disappointment is of great value, as it bears witness to hope.

Many young people have high hopes on Leaving Cert results day. These hopes often relate to receiving enough points to access the third-level course of their choice. And some might feel disappointment.

While the prospect of planning for the possibility of disappointment may seem pessimistic, it is worth giving the possibility some thought.

It gives you the chance to become prepared psychologically, in case disappointment on Leaving Cert results day enters the frame.

Here are some ways to think about and deal with disappointment. By taking the time to reflect on these ideas, young people will be more prepared to handle this difficult emotion, and the disappointment will then be less likely to overwhelm.
Tuning in to thoughts as well as feelings

Disappointment can be intense. It can seem as if the event, the Leaving Cert results, is directly causing this unwanted feeling: I got this result, therefore I feel disappointment. It is important to know that it is the thoughts about the event, rather than just the event itself, that causes the feeling to arise. Therefore, I got this result and am now thinking this, is the cause of the feeling. By tuning into and by challenging these thoughts, young people can gain strength and influence over their emotional self and feel better.
Plan who to talk to for support

It can be useful for young people to think ahead and make a plan about who they will talk to if they are feeling disappointed.

If a young person’s peer group are all receiving results on the same day, it could be that a trusted friend may be largely unavailable to offer emotional support that particular day, if required. Someone at home, perhaps a parent, could be in a better position to really listen to how the young person is feeling.

For a parent to offer this support is useful. Then, by listening to the expression of disappointment, parents can check in with the young person about what they are thinking about. This provides an opportunity to steer their thinking away from negative thoughts which could damage their self-esteem.

Take a wider, longer-term view

There is always more than one way to get from A to B but on results day, it is hard to remember this as many young people have route A, their preferred first choice, very much in mind. No matter what career a young person has set their heart on, there is always the possibility of pursuing that goal, no matter what the exam results are.

It is important for parents to remind young people of this, ahead of results day as well as on the day itself, if they are feeling disappointed. It is also good to remind young people not to put pressure on themselves to figure out an alternative route straight away.

Taking a few days to process the emotions they are feeling is enough for the young person to deal with.

Celebrate effort more than results

There is a lot of emphasis placed on the points system and the number of points received. This can create the impression that results matter more than effort, but that is not necessarily the case.

In many areas of life, whether it is within relationships, within a workplace context or pursuing a life goal, effort matters a very great deal indeed.

Young people on results day may believe that results matter more than effort. But holding this belief does not make it a fact. It is vital for young people to be reminded of the validity and importance of effort. It is vital also that they be encouraged to celebrate effort, rather than just results.

Celebrating efforts made throughout the exam period and throughout the school life has much merit. Parents can take a lead by placing focus on and congratulating effort.

IQ versus EQ

The Leaving Cert does not take account of many an individual’s worthy qualities. Points are not awarded for kindness, a person’s level of honesty or a person’s social skills and yet these qualities matter a very great deal.

Research from Harvard Business School showed that emotional intelligence was twice as important as intellectual intelligence and technical skill when it came to determining who would be successful in life. In order for a person to become emotionally intelligent, a person must be able to experience empathy.

In order to experience empathy, a person must first be able to tune into and feel their own emotions deeply. There is an opportunity with disappointment to do just this; to feel deeply, to bear difficult emotion. And that can be a significant aspect of success.

Results day is significant, but it does not determine how the future will be. Young people may need to be reminded of that.
Anne Mc Cormack is a family therapist accredited to FTAI & ICP.

 

Irish Times: 1st September 2015

Anne McCormack

Young people need to be supported to learn how to validate themselves so they do not depend on feedback

The numbers of young people presenting to hospital emergency departments because they have self-harmed or are at risk of self-harming has increased again this year. This creates huge concern for parents, and it creates a need to figure out ways to better mind their children’s mental health.

Young people are spending a lot of time on social media; it is how they connect with the world and with each other. But as they begin a new school year, managing their online presence is just one more element with which young people have to deal.

As well as being fun, it can be a source of much anxiety. This is because the social media world has become one of the main mechanisms through which young people work out their identity, ie who they are and what they are worth. They depend on feedback from peers online to answer questions such as “Am I popular?”, “Am I liked?” and, therefore, “Am I of worth?”. But social media feedback is too narrow a filter for anyone to work out their worth. Even the most confident adults would feel their self-esteem falter if they were depending so much on positive feedback for validation.

Young people need to be supported to learn how to validate themselves more, so that they are not as dependent on feedback. To do this, we must focus on confidence.

Making the unconscious conscious

Young people begin to face the psychological task known as identity formation around the same time that they begin to use social media. They grapple with questions such as “What is my identity?” and “Am I a person of worth?” but the questions are in the unconscious part of their minds. How these questions are answered throughout adolescence is affected by what happens them online. It is better for young people to know about this psychological task.

Social media posts as ‘performance’ Social media sites can be used as a place to perform. People post the best of what they wish others to see, and the social media site becomes a stage. Young people can be helped by thinking of social media in this way. What others post is often performance, whether that is selfies of stars or selfies of their classmates.

On social media, people make public what they want others to see and wait for the reaction of the “audience”. If the audience reacts well, it makes the performer feel good but it does not make the person who performed any better or worse than anyone else. How an audience reacts is outside the performer’s control. But they can control how they interpret the reaction. Young people can take more ownership of how they interpret people’s reactions to them on social media. The first step in doing this is to tune into their confidence source.

Taking the time to tune into the source of confidence involves making space in the mind for reflection. It is hard for young people to reflect while they are on social media as so much information is coming their way. Parents can encourage this reflection by asking questions not just about how the young person’s day was, or how school went, but by including questions about social media.

Questions such as these can help: “How did you get on with your friends online?” “Did anything happen on social media today that made you feel good or bad about yourself?” “What reaction did your posts get?” “How did you feel about that?”

Everyone gets confidence in different ways, but because young people are trying to work out their identity, they are particularly tuned into feedback from others, especially peers online. This results in a lot of their confidence being sourced externally.

External versus internal confidence sources

There are two main confidence sources. One is external and involves feedback from others. To have only an external source of confidence is not good, as external sources are outside a person’s control. An internal source of confidence is something each young person can develop and nurture for themselves. They can gain control of it, using their mind to soothe, support and encourage themselves, regardless of the feedback.

How to develop an internal confidence source

Once a young person knows the difference between an internal and external confidence source, they can tune in more accurately to where they are getting confidence. They can pay attention to their internal thoughts about themselves, noticing whether these thoughts are, in the main, supportive or critical of the self. If their internal thoughts tend to be self-critical, they can choose to challenge these thoughts. The more effort they make, the easier it will get.

Sometimes young people are very self-critical without even being aware that they are. Being too focused on the number of “likes” they get or don’t get on social media can perpetuate this negativity. And as the new school year begins, young people who nurture self-confidence will nurture their mental health.

Anne McCormack is a family therapist accredited to FTAI and ICP.

Holiday harmony: a guide for parents and teenagers
Try to coordinate your and your teen’s expectations to make this a relaxing, stress-free summer
Anne McCormack

Irish Times Tue, Jul 14, 2015, 01:00
Few parents relish the long break from school that stretches ahead for their teenagers. Summer jobs are practically nonexistent these days, and unless they are particularly motivated themselves, parents might feel that all their teenagers wish for is time to be idle and free.
Some parents feel the secondary school summer break is too long. A three-month break from a solid routine and an environment that is conducive to learning adds up to a lot more days than many parents would choose for their offspring to be idle.
Yet the vast majority of adolescents relish the idea of this long period of rest from school, viewing it as a time to unwind and shift gear, away from the pressure of academic work.

Tension can build within families over this extended summer break. Teenagers can become bored and demanding; parents can become frustrated and impatient.
There are two main reasons for this rise in stress and tension during the summer. One is that family members have expectations of each other that are not being met, or even expressed. Secondly, they are not communicating about their hopes for the summer and how to achieve harmony in the home in time, if at all.
The impact of this rise in tension and stress for a family unit can have a bad effect on all family relationships, not just the parent-teenager one. The couple relationship within the family can become strained as the overall atmosphere becomes more tense. Then the level of intimacy felt by parents towards each other can become lost in an environment of continuous argument and disagreement.
But it is possible to plan the summer mindfully, by having a sense of where you wish to go and how you wish to get there, maintaining awareness of each moment as it comes.

Taking action in time
It is possible for parents to avoid conflict during the summer by sitting down and making a plan about how to create the context for harmonious family life over the coming weeks.
They can take charge of creating the context for harmonious living and can do so in a way that does not result in teenagers feeling as if they are being “controlled”.
The first step involves reflecting on what you expect from each person in the family over the summer, and what you expect from yourself.
It is important, if there are two parents in the family, that these hopes and expectations are shared with the other parent first, as any differences in opinion about what a teenager is and is not allowed to do can be aired and agreed upon before the conversation with the teenager begins.

Expectations
One of the most important things for parents to work out early in the summer are their expectations of the teenager. It is best to be specific, as this is part of what will help when it comes to talking clearly with the teenager about it.
If a parent expects their teenager will be more helpful and more involved in household chores, given that they have more free time, it is important to be specific in relation to what exactly is expected. For example, would making dinner for the family once a week meet your expectation, or would more be expected? Would you like them to help out in the garden or do some cleaning?
Most parents reasonably expect some increase in the amount of effort teenagers make within the household over the summer. Some teenagers may expect this to translate into more money in their pocket at the end of each week. Teenagers are on their way towards adulthood, so the increased level of responsibility for chores can help prepare them for life.
Making a list, thinking it through and then asking the other parent to go through it also allows space for clear communication to happen between the couple. This will prevent tension between them later on if expectations are not being met by the teenager.
If both parents are clear of the other’s expectations, they are more likely to back each other up.
It is good for parents to consider their expectations about time spent on social media or engaged with technology; time spent with friends and away from the house compared with the amount of time spent with family; expectations around curfews, financial support, lifts to and from places, and so on. When a parent has a clear idea about each of these areas, it is a good time then, to introduce the topic to the teenager.

The context of communicating with teenagers
Going through the teenage years can be difficult. There are many changes happening for teenagers and intense feelings such as infatuation, frustration and anger can be hard for teenagers to deal with.
Teenagers are often self-conscious and can seem to adults to be somewhat self-absorbed. This can reflect their often-felt worry and preoccupation with what others think of them. As this is something that matters greatly to a lot of teenagers, being around peers becomes a very important aspect of teenage life.
Peer contact – either face-to-face or online – serves as a way for the teenager to get direct or indirect feedback about themselves.
It is within peer groups that teenagers really get to work out their identity: under the surface, in their unconscious mind, this a major question teenagers deal with on an ongoing basis. Who am I? What does the world think of me? What will I think of myself? These questions are psychologically where teenagers are at, even though they are largely unaware of that fact themselves. This explains the preoccupation with peer contact.
Every teenager is different and it is very important that any discussion about expectations includes some question about how much contact a teenager wishes to have with their peers.
It is important for parents to recognise how important this contact can be for teenagers and not to be dismissive of their desire to see their friends a lot.
It is also, however, good that some balance is struck and that teenagers are encouraged not to become reliant on feedback from peers to work out how they view themselves. Some time with family is good for teenagers as this will be character forming, as well as good for overall family life.

Starting the conversation
Beginning the conversation with a teenager about their hopes and expectations for the summer can be tricky. Parents do not wish to be seen as nagging, and many parents fear that bringing up a conversation about expectations of each other will be viewed in a negative light.
Viewing the conversation as an opportunity to look together at how the teenager and the rest of the family can have an enjoyable summer is a good way to introduce the topic.
It is important to let the teenager know ahead of time that this is something you wish to chat to them about, perhaps mentioning it very briefly and then scheduling a time to talk and relax together over the coming days.
When parents sit down and begin the conversation, it is good for the parent to try to take on a listening position. That way, it is more likely that the teenager will feel heard and will, in turn, then be more ready to hear the parent.
To ask the teenager what they wish their summer to be like and what they are looking forward to, is a good positive way to begin. Teenagers may not have thought it through but by prompting them, it is possible to elicit a sense of how they wish the summer to be.
It is important to be specific with them about the people they wish to have contact with over the summer, how much of it is in person and how much of it is online.
Inquire gently, as this then provides an opportunity for parents to get a sense of how much their social life is online and therefore not “real” social contact. Social contact that is face to face is better for teenagers than too much social contact online. This conversation allows a space for the parent to articulate this view.

Communicating about the communication
It is useful if only part of the initial discussion involves expressing expectations and negotiating around chores and curfews. Another part of this initial discussion should be about how communication will happen as the summer goes along, as expectations and wishes can change.
It is important for the parent to emphasise and acknowledge that even if an initial plan has been agreed, there may be times during the summer when the parent expects more from the teenager or the teenager wants more from the parent. Both parties should have the opportunity to renegotiate the terms of any agreed plan and there should be a way to check in and review how things are going with each other.
Building in this period of time to review or revisit the agreement is part of what will keep the atmosphere good through the summer.
A particular time each week, either out of the house going for a walk together or in the house with no distractions around, is worth scheduling. This built-in checking-in time will act as a buffer against tensions rising.

Enthusiasm and unplugging
Parents are often stressed and busy, and it can be hard for them to imagine being in teenagers’ shoes. But it is important for parents to try, and to tune into their memories of their own school summer holidays. That way, parents will connect more easily with how their teenager might be feeling and may end up wishing they too had a long break from work and routine.
The lack of structure at summer brings so much opportunity for teenagers; to experience life in a different way, to take time to get out into nature, to be in the world at a different pace to how they are the rest of the year. But with the rise in the amount of time teenagers are spending on social media and on technology, they are missing many opportunities the natural world has to offer them.
Parents have a role to play in encouraging teenagers to unplug and get outdoors into nature. Parents, by becoming enthusiastic about unplugging themselves, set the example for the teenager. Again, a specific expectation can be expressed in relation to this plan to unplug.
Parents can take control now of creating the context for harmonious family life this summer. Beginning the conversation with a sense of enthusiasm and positivity means parents are much more likely to succeed. Working hard all year, parents deserve a relaxing time through summer just as much as any teenager does.
Express expectations: it is only through shaping the conversation that parents get to shape the family’s world.

Anne McCormack is a family therapist accredited to FTAI and ICP

Why our partners matter most to us

Our most important relationships are not with blood relatives but with partners and friends

Irish Times Sat, Mar 21, 2015,  Kate Holmquist

In a stressful and fast-changing world, who do we rely on? The Family Values survey, conducted by Ipsos MRBI on behalf of The Irish Times, shows that our partners are the most significant people in our lives.

For people in relationships, partners are the people we spend most time with outside of work, the people we are most likely to share a problem with, and the people we say have, except for our parents, had most influence on our lives.

Friends are generally the next most important people in our lives. Nineteen per cent of us spend most of our time with a friend, and 18 per cent of us are most likely to share a problem with a friend.

For those not in a relationship, friends are more important than any family member. Thirty-nine per cent of single people name a friend as the person they spend most time with, and more than a third of single people say they are most likely to share a problem with a friend.

When these figures are broken down by gender, however, we begin to see that, within relationships, men rely more on women than women do on men.

That is the “grand statement” that Brendan Madden, a relationships expert and psychotherapist, believes the research is making. “Men need to reach out to each other, and women who are already good at reaching out need to pass their skills on to the men in their lives.”

Emotional support

The Family Values survey shows that married men and men who live with their partners seek social and emotional support from their spouses or partners more than women do.

“Men and women are very different in who they spend time with, share problems with and who influences who,” says Madden. “Women continue to prioritise friends and other family members, while men seem to be more focused on the primary relationship. Over time men become less inclined to share problems with others outside the relationship, and women become more inclined to share problems with others. This reflects the dynamics we see in family therapy, where men are more reluctant.”

Women spend less time with their spouses or partners than men do. Fifty-seven per cent of men turn first to their partners with problems; just 43 per cent of women do. Women have a wider emotional support network, spending 42 per cent of their time with friends and female family members. (Twenty-one per cent of women name friends as the people they spend most time with outside work; 21 per cent name daughters, mothers or sisters).

Mothers are seven times more likely to turn to their daughters than they are to their sons. What does this mean for those sons?

Trish Murphy, a psychotherapist, says, “This is probably unfair to their sons, as there is no doubt that sons are as capable of understanding and supporting mothers as are daughters. However, there is probably a left-over heritage of men being the strong, silent types and women the caring ones.”

Men are less likely than women to share a problem with a friend (15 per cent versus 21 per cent). And just 11 per cent of men share problems with mothers and sisters, compared with 21 per cent of women.

“It’s significant that mothers are seven times more likely to share problems with their daughters than with their sons,” says Madden. The statistics also “show that fathers don’t share their problems with anybody,” he says. “Men are also very reluctant to share problems with their sisters, which speaks to a wider issue of the emotional challenges facing young men. One message from the survey is that mothers need to make time to share their own problems with their sons, not just their daughters.”

To teach young men communication skills around emotional problem-solving, parents must model this behaviour with their children, especially their sons, instead of the sharing of problems remaining a female preserve.

As men, more than women, rely on their partners for support, what does this mean for men who don’t have partners to share with? And for lone fathers?

Trish Murphy says, “This has an enormous effect on men, as lone men are deprived of emotional connection. The extreme example of this is where a man has experienced a broken relationship and feels suicidal afterwards and tells no one.

“Men have the full range of emotions, and their difficulty is that they are socialised into expressing only a certain range of these, such as joy at the team winning or anger or impatience at a slow car. However, some emotions, such as hurt and vulnerability, can be channelled into anger or irritation.”

It’s good news that younger men are more likely to share problems, according to the research. Murphy thinks this is a benefit of platonic female friendships formed in mixed schools and colleges. Yet when men become involved in a long-term relationship they lose their separate group of friends. “Men often let go of their involvement in sport, music, hiking, etc, so that they lose their own support networks,” Murphy says.

Fathers do not share their problems with their sons, and sons do not share problems with their fathers. And although three-quarters of people believe that relationships between fathers and children are better than in the past, sons and daughters are not turning to their fathers for support. “I think that the new male role model is still tentative and delicate. Possibly it will take another generation for fathers to have the same emotional support responsibilities and rights as women,” Murphy says.

Challenging shifts

Another finding is that the older men and women are, the more likely they are to turn to their spouses or partners for support – and this includes women. Madden says that this “reflects challenging shifts during various life stages. People shift their focus in a relationship depending on the role that is most significant in their life. At first the relationship with the spouse is most important; that shifts when the children arrive, and it shifts back when children have left the nest.”

For men the statistic that they rely far more on the women in their lives than women do on them is very difficult. “Men tend to try to sort out their problems alone – often with disastrous results. By discussing we learn from other people’s experience, and this can save us a lot of suffering,” Murphy says.

These statistics can teach us to improve mutual support in relationships, says Karen Kiernan, chief executive of One Family, a charity that supports one-parent families.

“If, with young children, you learn to listen and support them to find their own answers, whether you agree or not, then as adults they will still come to you and share what is happening for them. The parents who have very close relationships with their children are those who listen best and keep the wagging finger in their pocket.”